Baby Makes Three
by Patricia de Lioncourt
Summary: Harley has some wonderful news for her puddin'...news that will take nine months to unfold.
1. Something Wonderful

A/N-This is for Animedorkette…who asked me when this would be out. And for SlinkyAndTheBloodyWands…who reminded me how funny it would be. Now, I have a forum concerning my fanfics. I occasionally put little tidbits there about my fics, so check it out!

Disclaimer- I don't own Batman or any related characters. That belongs to Bob Kane, DC Comics, and Warner Bros. This applies to all chapters.

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Chapter 1- Something Wonderful 

Harley Quinn had not been feeling well at all. Not at all. At first, she thought that it was just a cold. A stomach flu. She had been nauseated when she and her puddin' had busted out a week ago. When Batman had captured them, she had not had the strength to fight him.

Then, she began to get really sick. It seemed almost a daily ritual to vomit every morning before lunch. Finally, it came down to a visit with Dr. Bartholomew. The doctor had greeted her with some very, very surprising news. It was news that most would be happy about, but Harley had some misgivings.

She did not know, first of all, how her puddin' would react. Her love clown had always been careful with her, so that he would never receive this news. Of course, something unforeseen must have happened. A faulty product, most likely.

And then there was the issue of herself. How did she really feel about this information? When she had had the time--after some interviews with Dr. Leland, Batman, and Commissioner Gordon--to think of herself, she realized she was torn. A part of her was truly happy. Happier than happy. In fact, they had not yet invented a word to describe her joy. The other part, however, was scared. She knew she had to tell the Joker. He was ever as much a part of this as she was, but she couldn't begin to fathom his reaction. She feared as much for herself as…

She couldn't think of it yet. She could not allow herself to find it real. After all, the asylum might take this dream from her. And a dream it was…it was something she had always wanted. But perhaps that was thinking too far ahead? Maybe she should take this one step at a time…

And the first was obvious. In fact, the three that had interviewed her had even pointed it out to her. _She had to tell the Joker._ And she intended on it. However, she insisted that someone be close by. In case her puddin' turned ugly.

Three weeks after Harley had received her news, Gordon and Batman took her into a room and seated her. Shortly after, they brought the Joker in as well and seated him across from her.

"What's all this about?" Joker asked, glaring at Batman.

The Dark Knight said nothing to him. Instead, he turned to Harley and said, "We'll be right outside. Close. And you have absolutely nothing to worry about."

Harley nodded, finding herself for the first time truly grateful to the Dark Knight. He turned and exited the room. Joker sighed.

"Okay, Pooh, what's this about? All they told me was that you had something important to let me know," he said.

She sighed. Fidgeting a little, she did not answer immediately. This agitated the Clown Prince.

"Out with it!" he growled.

"It's--it's not easy, Puddin'. Please, please promise you won't be angry? It wasn't either of our fault…" she began, almost crying now.

"What!" the Joker yelled, more confused now than angry.

"Well…"

…………………

Meanwhile, a few feet up the hall from the room where Harley was informing the Joker of her "news," Batman, Dr. Leland, and Gordon stood there, trying their best not to listen in.

"It's so funny, in a way. We spend half of our efforts monitoring the patients here, and now we know we can't listen in," Leland commented lightly, running a hand through her short, dark hair nervously.

"I can't believe it, really. I mean, I saw all the tests and everything…but it still doesn't seem--I don't know--real," Gordon said.

"What does the asylum intend to do about it?" Batman inquired.

Leland shook her head. "I don't really know. I mean, we've never had a pregnant inmate here."

Silence fell. It seemed as though it was taking these three just as hard of time of letting Harley's pregnancy sink in as Harley herself was. Finally, noticing the relative silence coming from within the room, Gordon jerked his head in the general direction and asked, "How do you think Joker is taking it?"

No sooner had the last word of the sentence left his lips, a loud, high-pitched cry issued from within the room.

"YOU'RE WHAT!"

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End Notes: Okay, short beginning and not really all that funny. I promise, it's gets really funny later. I also realize that it was probably painfully obvious what Harley's condition was. It was intended to be such. Anyhow, here's the fun part, boys and girls. I have no clue what sex I want the baby to be! So! Here's what I intend to do. As you read in the above author's note, I do have a forum for my fanfics. If you should like, you can go to my profile, click on My Forums up at the top, go the thread for this fic (when I start it…it'll be right after I post this) and vote for the sex of the child! I'll keep a tally, and you'll know the result at the end of the fic! Thanks in advance! 


	2. Comfy Quarters

A/N- Thanks for all the votes! Keep them, and your lovely reviews, coming!

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Chapter 2- Comfy Quarters

"YOU'RE WHAT! You're pregnant? I can't believe this! How…when…what!" Joker yelled, walking back and forth in front of Harley, who was now scrunched up in her seat.

"Sweetie, I think you know how. As for when, probably the time before the last time we broke out. And what, what?" Harley giggled nervously.

Joker was ignoring her. Instead, he was still pacing, muttering to himself.

"I'm going to be a father, I'm going to be a father, I'm going to be a father…"

Over and over again he muttered it. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"Come in," Harley said. Batman came fully into the room, followed by the Commissioner. Dr. Leland just stuck her head in.

"Is everything all right?" the doctor asked.

"I'm fine, if that's what you mean," Harley answered. Then, jabbing her thumb in the Joker's direction, she added, "You might want to ask him, though."

Joker stopped pacing, suddenly becoming aware of everyone else in the room. His muttering had stopped with him. However, now, he looked off to the side, then looked back. His voice had a different, happier tone of realization when he repeated his mantra.

"I'm going to be a father!" he shouted, quite literally jumping for joy. "Finally, I have someone to mold in my image!"

Gordon, Batman, and Dr. Leland sighed. Well, at least he was happy about it. Harley stood.

"Okay, so now what?" she asked.

"Well, Harley, now you have to wait nine months, all the while making proper preparations, for the baby to come," Dr. Leland said kindly, as if explaining the process to a toddler.

Harley sighed and crossed her arms. "I know that. I'm not stupid. What I mean is…I can't possibly be pregnant and stay here in the asylum. What's going to be done about that?"

"Good question," Gordon said. "Well…we'll obviously have to find you a place better suited to your condition for the next nine months."

"Me too!" Joker said, stepping up beside Harley and taking her into his arms.

The three stared at him as Harley snuggled against him.

"Not likely," Gordon said.

"This is my child too. I need to be there!" Joker protested.

Leland sighed. "I never thought I'd say this…but…Joker's right. It's every much his right as it is Harley's. That is unless, Harley doesn't want him around."

All eyes fell to the clown princess. She smiled. "I want my puddin' with me!"

"Great," Gordon sighed. "Now where are we going to put them?"

Batman, who had been silently watching, spoke. "Give me a moment. I have an idea."

And he swept from the room.

…………………

Two hours later, Batman swept back in. Sighing heavily, he said, "I think I have a solution to the housing problems. I contacted a friend of mine. He's going to be out of town for most of the year and has offered the use of his home to house them. As long as there is proper security."

"That's nice. Tell me who it is, so I don't rob them anytime soon," Joker said.

"Bruce Wayne."

Harley shot forward. "I'm going to be staying at Wayne Manor!"

Batman nodded. Gordon turned to Batman.

"You know what I'm about to ask you, don't you?" he said.

The Dark Knight nodded. "I've already accepted."

"What are you two talking about?" Joker asked, his eyebrow raised.

Gordon turned back to the Clown Prince. "Batman will be stationed with you during these nine months. He'll go with you to the doctor's appointments, Lamaze classes, so on and so forth."

"What!" Joker yelled. "This is an outrage! Harley! Surely you don't want him there! Tell him!"

"Oh, puddin', I don't care. Just so long as we get to stay in Wayne Manor."

Joker sighed, and Batman smiled. "Lady's choice, clown. I stay."

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End Notes: Okay, that chapter wasn't all that funny. I promise, it'll get better once Harley gets into doing all that an expecting mother is, well, expected to do. Please review! 


	3. Arrangements

A/N- Sorry for the long wait! Bit of writer's block further up on my list. Not to worry, I've moved past it and now I'm here! I really must thank everyone so much for their generous reviews! Now, please remember to vote in my forum if you haven't already! Thank you for those as well! Now, on with the chapter!

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Chapter 3- Arrangements

Everyone's attention was on Harley. This drove the Joker nuts…well, nuttier than usual. Most of the time it was screams of terror and "oh, no! The Joker's out of Arkham again!" But this was not the case. No less than ten police officers, not including the Bat of course, had been assigned to the Clown Prince and Princess during the duration of Harley's pregnancy. Three of those officers were female. So, instead of screams of terror, alarm, and revulsion surrounding the Joker's and Harley's arrival at Wayne Manor, there were the cooing and awing at Harley's predicament. This made the Joker sulk.

He was roughly pushed off the little ramp onto the paved walkway leading towards the mansion's large front doors. Harley was gently led down by the hand. Even the male cops were giving her the whole "you're going to be a mommy" googly-eyed bit. Joker grumbled under his breath as Harley was escorted inside by two officers, and, who was apparently, Bruce Wayne's butler. This left him all alone with eight police officers and the Bat.

"What's your problem, Joker? Jealous of all the attention?" Batman said, a sardonic smile on his face. Or, at least as close to the smile as the Joker had ever seen the Bat have.

"Well, yeah, a little! I mean, it's my baby too! And I played a part in the scheme of things!" Joker replied as Batman grabbed one of his arms and led him inside.

"Yeah, a part that probably lasted all of…I'm going to guess, two minutes, am I right?"

The rest of the police officers had spread out to search and set up a perimeter. They didn't want the Joker escape. They didn't want Harley to escape either, but this seemed less likely to happen. Once Batman and the Joker were inside the mansion's entrance foyer, the psychopath wrenched his arm free of Batman's grip and crossed it with the other one angrily.

"I'll have you know that it was much, _much_ longer than that…and more than one try, as well," the clown said, gleaming with joy at Batman's obvious disgust and uncomfort with the present conversation.

"My point being…you better take it easy on Harley. She's in a delicate position as it is, and myself and the officers here wouldn't want her to get hurt. Understand?" Batman asked, glaring at Joker.

Joker was spared trying to come up with a witty comeback as Harley--dressed as any normal citizen of Gotham would be--and the two officers came down the stairs.

"We've got hers and the Joker's room all set up, as well as heavily guarded. They're not going anywhere," one officer said to Batman.

"Why would I want to leave? Puddin', have you seen this place? It's huge and beautiful!" Harley exclaimed, throwing her arms around the Joker.

He hugged her back. Once he released her from his embrace, he turned to Batman.

"So, what's one got to do to get some grub around here?" he asked.

"First things first, Joker. We have plenty of details about Harley's pregnancy to work out. Besides, I think Mr. Pennyworth is preparing a lunch," Batman replied leading the two crazy convicts into a sitting room.

"Who's Mr. Pennyworth and what details?" Joker asked as he and Harley took seats. Immediately, they were flanked by three officers.

"Mr. Pennyworth is Mr. Wayne's butler. He's agreed to stay here and help out," Harley answered.

"And as for the details…we have to pick a doctor, decide about baby items, Lamaze classes and the like. Most importantly, we have to find out how I'm going to fit myself into all of these things," Batman said, standing before the mad couple.

"This is going to be a long nine months," Joker said, yawning.

"Technically, only six months. I'm already three months along, puddin'," Harley said.

"Oy," her lover replied, slapping a hand to his forehead.

"My thoughts exactly," Batman muttered to the nearest officer, who smiled.

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End Notes: Okay, obvious, this fic will skip months as the story progresses and hit the high and funny points of the pregnancy. However, I'll try to make them all smooth. Please review! 


	4. The Doctor's Appointment

A/N- On with the show! Now, seeing as I've never had a child, my mother is greatly helping me with this fic. Every so often, I call her in and ask some pregnancy related question. I had to make sure she knew this was for a fan fiction. Thanks to all my reviewers, may I see you again this chapter!

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Chapter 4- The Doctor's Appointment

"Okay," Batman said, his voice exhausted. "We've still got to pick a doctor!"

It had been three hours since they had first sat down to do so. Alfred--as the butler had insisted he be called--had already brought the lunch he had prepared and had taken away the empty plates. Joker and Harley had easily agreed upon Lamaze classes, times to shop for baby things, and the like. It had moved along very quickly. However, that all ended when Batman had suggested picking out a doctor next.

Like any good expecting mother, Harley was concerned about the qualifications of the doctors Batman had presented her with. With the Joker…this was less important.

"'Doctor Stevens'? What kind of a name is that? I bet this guy has no sense of humor whatsoever!" Joker protested, taking it upon himself to mark this name off the list.

"But, Puddin', he's delivered several babies! He's been doing this for years!" Harley protested. Even she was getting annoyed.

"So what? I want a doctor with a sense of humor! I don't want some deadbeat delivering my kid and influencing it from moment one," Joker said, leaning back.

Harley and Batman exchanged looks. Both were nearly huffing with annoyance. However, when Harley turned back to Joker, there was a sweet smile upon her face.

"Puddin', how about this one?" she asked, handing him the name of another doctor.

"'Doctor Clownson'? I don't know, Harl. I like it…but what do we know about him?" he asked.

"Her," Batman corrected.

"It's a woman?" Joker asked as Harley beamed.

Batman nodded.

The Clown Prince tossed the paper aside. "Nope. No way."

This was the final straw. Harley stood, retrieved the paper, and circled the name. Joker's jaw dropped.

"Harley! What do you think you're doing?" he said, his voice rising almost to a yell.

Harley, however, screamed her answer back at him. "I like her! She's qualified…she has a funny name, like you want. And I'M THE ONE WHO'S GOT TO HAVE THIS BABY…NOT YOU!"

Joker's eyes widened as he shrank back on the sofa. "Yes, ma'am."

Harley nodded and then turned to Batman. "Make my appointment! I'm going to go take a nap," she ordered, stomping out of the room.

Joker watched her as she left. Then, over his shoulder, he said, "I've never heard her talk like that to me…"

He turned to find Batman smiling. Joker growled.

"What's so funny?" he demanded.

"Looks like pregnancy hormones can be used for good things," the Dark Knight said, standing to do as Harley had instructed.

…………………

It was two weeks later, and Joker and Batman were waiting quietly for Harley to declare she was ready for them to join her inside the examination room. It was an awkward silence in the waiting room. The secretary keep eyeing the Clown Prince and Batman, as did the other expecting mothers and their husbands. Finally, and not too soon, Doctor Clownson appeared in the doorway and waved them in.

The doctor had not been what any of them had expected. They had imagined her to be a woman in her forties, her hair up in a tight, restricted bun, and maybe even wearing glasses. However, this was not the case. Clownson had shoulder length blonde hair, bright amber eyes, and appeared to be in her late twenties or early thirties. Harley had huffed when she had first seen her, but she had apparently changed her tune now.

When Joker and Batman entered the examination room, Harley had looked quiet relaxed, her knees up in the air. However, as soon as she caught sight of them, she squeaked, "Stand by my head!"

They moved quickly to comply while Doctor Clownson giggled. The doctor walked over, pulled a monitor closer to the group, and turned it on. Instantly, an image of Harley's uterus was visible. She pointed to a small, peanut shape and said, "This, Miss Quinn, is your baby."

Harley sniffled happy tears, while Joker looked like he was somewhere between disgust and…something else. Who knew, really?

"That's…it?" he said, turning to Clownson. "It's a peanut."

Harley immediately slapped him. "Don't call our baby that!"

Clownson laughed. "I assure you, Mr. Joker, the baby will grow to look like you might have expected it to look like now. Now, shall I give you two…uh, three a moment?"

Batman nodded. Once the doctor was out of the room, he turned to Harley, looking past the Joker.

"Congratulations," he said, giving a very small smile.

Joker huffed and crossed his arms. Harley beamed and said, "Thank you."

There was silence as Harley looked back to the monitor. Batman looked back as well. Joker bobbed for a moment back and forth from heel to toe. Then he sighed. Finally, he asked, "So, can we go now?"

Batman moved as if he was going to hit him, until Harley said, "Don't."

Joker smiled adoringly at her. Harley returned his smile as she said, "Let me."

In an instant, she had curled her hand into a fist and landed it squarely across his jaw.

"That'll teach you to get impatient with the baby!" Harley proclaimed as Joker landed on the floor, groaning.

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End Notes: So, what did everyone think? Don't forget to vote. Polls (haha) will close on chapter 19. I'll go ahead and tell you that I have this fic planned to be 22 chapters long, chapter 22 being an epilogue. Please review! 


	5. Naming Part One

A/N- Well, after a very long wait, I'm back! Glad to be back, folks. Now, this chapter is one that I've had in my head a long time. It's kind of mellow, but perhaps humorous in it mellowness. I hope you enjoy!

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Chapter 5- Naming Part One 

Harley and Joker were not talking. Both were equally mad at one another. Harley's anger stemmed from the fact that she thought it was silly that Joker was being jealous and bored with his unborn child. And Joker's anger came from the fact that he _was_ jealous of all the attention Harley and the baby were getting.

Batman was forced to sit between them on the couch, as they had taken to a childish display of their anger. That is, Joker would poke Harley's arm, then act as if he had not done so (although everyone knew he had), and Harley would whine and ask him to quit it. Needless to say, there wasn't enough aspirin in the world to get rid of the Dark Knight's headache.

Joker reached over Batman and poked Harley in the shoulder.

"Quit it! Batman, make him stop!" she whined.

"Stop what? I haven't done anything," he said, feigning innocence.

A few peaceful moments passed. Then, Joker reached to poke Harley again. However, this time, Batman caught Joker's wrist midway there.

"Ow!" the Clown Prince cried in pain, retracting his arm and rubbing his wrist.

Harley hit Batman on the shoulder.

"What in the world was that for?" the Dark Knight asked.

"You didn't have to hurt him!" she said, crossing her arms.

She stood and crawled into Joker's lap. She kissed his wrist and asked, "Is that better, puddin'?"

"Uh-huh," he said, batting his eyes at her.

Batman sighed. At least the "argument" was over. Though, it would always bother him how easily Harley forgave the Joker for anything.

It did not take long for Batman to become annoyed (but mostly disgusted) by what had taken the argument's place. The two inmates were becoming increasingly--and sickeningly--lovey-dovey. Harley would giggle, and the Joker would kiss her cheek. She would quickly kiss his cheek in return. Both of them would laugh. Then, they would rub noses. Batman wanted to vomit.

Finally, unable to take anymore, he said, "So, have the two of you thought about what you are going to name the baby?"

Both of them turned to look at Batman. Then, they looked at one another. Batman slid to his left as Harley slid off Joker's lap into the seat beside him.

"No, I haven't. Not really. I mean, I have a few names I've liked since I was little. Have you, puddin'?" Harley asked.

"Not really. But I'm sure I could come up with a few if I put my mind to it," he replied.

"Right then," Batman said, turning to mediate. "Let's say you both get…seven vetoes."

"Ahem, Bats…the doctor incident," Harley gently reminded, while Joker raised an eyebrow at her.

"Right. How about ten?"

Harley gently cleared her throat.

"Fourteen."

"That's arbitrary," Harley said.

"Okay," Joker said, cutting in. "I'll go first."

Harley huffed a little at this, but said nothing in protest.

"How about…for a boy…Joker Junior?" Joker said, his chest puffing up.

"Veto. I never really liked the whole "junior" thing," Harley said.

"Alright then," Joker grumbled. "What have you got?"

"Okay. For a girl, Felicia."

"Veto. Sounds like something I'd name my cat. My turn…for a boy, Jay."

Harley sighed in disgust. "Veto!"

Joker grumbled again, but gestured for Harley to continue.

"Another for a girl…Zula."

The expression Joker had on his face was the equivalent to one he might have had if someone had stuck a skunk under his nose. "Veto. Where the hell did you get that name, Harl?"

"I've always thought that that was so pretty!"

"Well, my turn…how about…Cosmo."

"For a boy or a girl?"

"Boy."

"Veto."

"Then for a girl."

"Veto."

"That counts twice!" Joker said, sitting up a little farther in his seat and pointing.

"Then I get to go twice now!"

"But--" the Clown Prince began, but Batman cut him off.

"She's right. Go on, Harley."

"Um…alright, this one is for a boy…Cortney."

"Veto."

"Fine. And for a girl, Rain."

"We're naming our children after types of weather now? Veto. Okay, my turn. For a boy, Preston."

"Nope. Veto. How about…James for a girl?"

"Let's give our child a sexual identity crisis. No. Veto."

"Then how about for a boy?"

"No, too common. Veto. And I get to go now! Um…how about J-A-E?"

"That's still Jay! Veto!"

"How about…Janette?"

"Veto. Too French."

"It's an English name!"

"Whatever, Harl. What about…Darwin?"

"Good Lord, no! Veto!"

"Um…maybe we ought to put this off for a little more. So you both can think about it more," Batman said, feeling that the endless names were growing a bit tedious.

"Fine by me," Joker grumbled.

"Me too!" Harley announced.

A few moments passed, then Batman watched as Joker's hand slow rose, poked Harley in the shoulder, and went quickly back to place. Harley growled in frustration, stood, and announced, "I'm taking a nap!"

As she stormed off, Batman glared at Joker.

"What?" the Clown Prince asked.

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End Notes: Okay, so the couple made no progress on naming their child. However, the polls are still open. Please vote for the sex of the baby if you haven't done so! Also, please note that the opinions expressed through the characters does not necessarily reflect the author's views. No offense was meant. Also, all names (with the exception of a few of the Joker's) came from Behind the name dot com. Please review! 


	6. Shopping

A/N- Well, another long wait. Comedy is just hard for me to write. I like to take my time with it, make sure I'm in the proper mood to do it. I don't want the humor to suffer for this story just because I'm in a foul mood. Anyway, Sarah8, I think Jarley is a very humorous name. If it is a girl, that will definitely be one of the names under consideration. Well, I hope everyone finds this chapter well worth the wait!

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Chapter 6- Shopping

Batman groaned, and his groan was flanked on either side by the groans of the two male officers chosen to accompany him. The three of them—Batman and the two officers—walked behind Joker and Harley, who were happily bouncing through the store. The store in question was a baby boutique, one of the most fashionable in Gotham. Harley was pushing a mid-sized silver cart, maneuvering easily through many stacks of bottles on display and brown and pink teddy bears. Joker, however, was knocking over nearly everything he came near. The officer on the left—the one with the unfortunate position of being directly behind Joker—had taken up the job of trying to replace every fallen object. The sales women were eyeing the group as if they expected them to rob the place.

"Whee! Look at all the pretty baby stuff!" Harley squealed, reaching out for a clear, simple plastic bottle that came with a set of multi-colored nipples.

"Uh, how do you intend to pay for that bottle, Harl? With ol' Batboy here, I doubt we could make a run for it," Joker pointed out, grinning back at the Dark Knight. "But it would be funny, trying to run out of this place, arms full of random baby items."

"Don't even think about it, Clown," Batman growled, stepping closer to the two.

Joker stuck out his tongue, turning back around. Like a child himself, he immediately picked up and began playing with a Cirque du Soleil inspired rattle. Harley's brow had furrowed during this time.

"Bats, how are we paying for this? I mean, I've got no money, and the baby has to have this stuff," she said, tears underlying her voice.

Batman smiled—or as close as a smile as he got—and said, "Bruce Wayne decided to donate the money to purchase the items your baby needs."

"Huh," Joker said, tossing the rattle behind him. The officer caught it nimbly and placed it back on its shelf. "Why'd he do that?"

Batman grunted.

"I suppose he worries about this child. After all, in any normal city, the two of you would not have even had the chance for this. Harley alone would have been moved out of the asylum, and the child's provisions would have been provided by the adopter of the baby."

"Adopter?"

Harley came to a screeching halt. She whirled around, glaring at Batman. The officer that had been behind had to trip over his own feet to avoid colliding with the mother-to-be.

"What do you mean 'adopter'?" she demanded.

"Harley, surely you knew that you would not be able to raise the baby yourself. You are an inmate of Arkham, a ward of the state yourself. The baby will have to be given to a parent seen better suited for it than you," Batman explain gently.

Harley's bottom lip quivered, even her blonde pigtails—free of the jester costume because Batman had absolutely refused to let her go baby shopping in it—seemed to droop. She swallowed once or twice before she spoke again.

"It's just…when you say 'adopter' like that…it just…"

There were real tears in her eyes. A part of Batman's heart went out to the woman. He knew that Harley loved children and had always wanted her own. However, he was positive that she had never wanted it like this. But her choice of consort had determined this end.

Batman placed a hand on her shoulder, noticing that Joker's attention had deliberately turned elsewhere. The Clown Prince of Crime did not deal with tears.

"Harley, I'm sure that whoever ends up with your child will allow you to be as involved as possible. I'm sure that they will even let you name the baby," he said.

Harley sniffled and nodded. Then, tilting her head towards the Joker, she asked, "What about Mistah J?"

"What about him?"

"Will they let him be involved?"

Joker's attention turned back, undoubtedly because he had heard his name.

"Well…" Batman began, than gave a short laugh, followed by the outright laughter of the two officers.

"What's so funny?" Joker menaced.

"We'll see," Batman said, patting Harley's shoulder.

She nodded and turned back to the endless shelves of necessary baby items. She picked up a baby bathtub, baby nail clippers, diaper pail, and a bottle drying rack—passing over a breast pump.

"Wait! Harl, wait!" Joker said, frozen in front of the selection of pumps.

"What?" she asked, turning around.

She was nearly in the next aisle. Batman was standing back with Joker with one of the officers, while the other had walked on with Harley.

"Don't we need this?" he asked.

"What?" Harley asked.

She turned the cart and walked back towards her puddin'. When she caught sight of what it was Joker was indicating, she visibly shuddered.

"Breast pump…uh…no. I mean—" she laughed a little nervously. "—if I can't keep my baby, do I really need it?"

"You have a point, generally, Harley, but you will be allowed a few days with your child after you have given birth. I've heard that breast feeding your child can be a bonding experience," Batman answered.

"I've heard it's also healthier," Joker put in, causing all to stare at him. "What? It's the truth, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is. We're just all surprised you know that," Batman answered.

"Well, there wasn't anything else to read in that waiting room other than baby stuff."

"But…" Harley said, her voice small.

"What?" Batman asked.

Harley's arms had come up, and she was covering her chest with him. Her feet were shifting back and forth.

"It's just…it's…well…it's _weird_. The thought of having a baby sucking at…me is weird to me. Besides, don't I need to avoid mixed feedings?"

"Not necessarily, Harl. There are special bottle nipples that you can get that will prevent the baby from liking the bottle better than the breast," Joker said, nodding his head knowledgeably.

"I can't believe I'm agreeing with Joker, but he's right. Breast-feeding is the better route. It's also healthy. It helps prevent countless diseases as well."

Harley shook her head. "Don't you think I know that? It's just…"

Joker up a hand up, palm open and erect. "Stop. Our baby is being breast-fed, and that's the end of it."

One could almost see Harley's eyes turn red. She did a tiny cough to clear her throat, and replied, "Sure, puddin', but maybe you should know…my breasts will sag by the end of it."

Joker's eyes widened a little bit. If he were not already bleached white, he probably would have paled. He turned silently—mouth slightly agape—between Batman and Harley. Finally, he gave a cough small enough to rival Harley's.

"Uh, yeah. Let's bottle feed."

Harley nodded her head once, a satisfied grin on her face as Batman grimaced. He was shocked that she had been able to talk him out of breast-feeding so easily. However, he supposed that even the Joker had such weaknesses. They moved silently on throughout the store.

More and more items flew off the shelves and into the cart as Harley passed them. And she was no longer caring about price, knowing that she had Bruce Wayne as a benefactor. Soon, a mountain of both necessary and unnecessary baby items obstructed her view.

"I'm finished," she announced.

Immediately, the group heard the bustling of many feet. Harley peeked around the cartload—she could no longer see over it—and found that three of the saleswomen had blocked the exit of the store.

"Huh," Harley muttered.

"Can you believe this!" Joker exclaimed. "Do they think—do they honestly think—that I, the Clown Prince of Crime, would stoop to stealing baby items? I mean, I was no where near serious when I mentioned it earlier. Where would the joke be?"

"Actually, puddin', it—" Harley began, but Batman quickly and gently pressed a hand to her mouth.

She looked back at him, and he slowly shook his head. When Batman was sure she would not try to repeat her statement, he let go. Joker, meanwhile, had been oblivious to this. He was too busy seething over the saleswomen guarding their escape.

"If I only had a batch of my toxin…or some dynamite…or even an exploding whoopee-cushion! I'd show 'em! They'd regret the day they dare make assumptions on the Harlequin of Hate!" he fumed.

"How many of his nicknames can he possible fit into one rant?" one of the police officers murmured behind the two inmate's—and Batman's—back.

This brought a rare smile to the Dark Knight's face. Just as Joker began to stalk off to give the women "a piece of his mind," Batman caught the back of his jacket to stop him.

"Let's just pay for it. You can smirk all you want at them up at the counter. But _nothing_ else. Understood?" he menaced.

With the help of the two cops and Batman—Joker had already strolled ahead—Harley maneuvered her cart up to the check-out counter, where one of the women had tore themselves away from the exit, placed a bright smile on her face, and had stationed herself behind the register.

"Will this be all?" she said, so automatically that it was reminiscent of an automated answering machine message.

The two officers unloaded each item as Harley nodded her response. Joker had begun grinning evilly at the woman, who pretended not to notice.

"Knock it off," Batman growled at him.

It took the saleswoman forty-five minutes to ring all the items up. And for some reason, she look dismayed when she was told she would have to bill it to Bruce Wayne. Perhaps she had entertained happy thoughts about seeing that amount of money. Batman soon decided that that was the case for the woman's sour face, for the Joker's expression matched hers perfectly.

"Credit?" he whined. "We can't pay in cash?"

"Normally, I don't carry such a large amount around in my belt, Joker," Batman replied.

Joker grunted. Batman forcibly employed his services in carrying the shopping bags out to the police vehicle. There, the bags were loaded into the prisoner-carrying portion of the vehicle. Harley opted to ride in the back of that truck, while Batman insisted that Joker rode with him.

"For precaution's sake," Batman growled as Joker buckled himself into the passenger side of the Batmobile.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, Batsy. But you know that you shouldn't have left Harley alone either, right?" he said as the two followed the vehicle back to Wayne Manor.

"She's a lot more trustworthy than you, I'm afraid."

"No, I mean, with all the new baby stuff. She's gonna open it all before we get back. Think about lugging all that in!"

Joker leaned back, his smile smug. However, Batman matched his with a smirk.

"Oh, I don't have to worry," the Dark Knight said, matter-of-factly.

"Why?"

"Because I'm not the one who's going to carry it all in."

The rest of the ride to Wayne Manor was blissful—and, for Joker—seething silence.

* * *

End Notes: Okay, so how did everyone like that? Actually, this chapter is much longer than I envisioned it being. Maybe they were shopping at Wal-Mart. Haha. Isn't that always the way there? You go in, thinking, "This is only going to take like five minutes." And when you get back out, like an hour's passed. Anyway, please review! And if you haven't voted, remember the last chance will be chapter 19. (Don't worry…it's looking as if you've got the time to consider.) Also, I didn't make up the rattle thing. I found it on a list of necessary baby items.


	7. Homemade Maternity Clothes

A/N- Sorry for the long wait, guys. Seriously, I love to write comedies, but they're so hard for me to write. I have to be in just the right mood, or it comes out flat. And I refuse to produce flat comedy! So, here's the next chapter!

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Chapter 7- Homemade Maternity Clothes

Joker growled as he tossed a large pile of the purchased baby items to the floor. This was, of course, right in front of Wayne Manor's front entrance, causing a back-up in the line of officers carrying items. Batman shook his head as he allowed Harley—whom he had escorted inside—to roam about. He pointed down at the pile as the cops teetered with piles of their own right outside the door.

"What?" the Joker asked, feigning innocence.

"Pick. It. Up."

Joker eyed Batman for a moment, daring him to do something. However, as the Dark Knight took a menacing step forward, Joker automatically stooped and scooped the items back into his arms

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the clown muttered from somewhere behind a baby bath. "Where would you like these items, O Great Master Bat?"

"Living room. We'll sort through it there."

Batman put his back to him and the two cops finally able to enter into manor, giving his attention to Harley. His eyes widened.

The jester woman, who moments ago had been bouncy-happy, was now positively green around the gills. Suddenly, her cheeks ballooned up, and she pressed a delicate hand to her mouth. Batman unintentionally took a few steps back. After a moment, her cheeks deflated a bit, but when she opened her mouth, a ghastly burp erupted from within.

"Bathroom," she murmured weakly.

"Closest is just around the corner. Right by the stairs," Batman said, pointing quickly.

She nodded and darted in that direction. A few moments later, a series of retching sounds followed. Alfred emerged from the corner, looking alarmed.

"Is everything quite all right, Sir?" the butler inquired.

Batman gave Alfred a half-grin. "Yes, Mr. Pennyworth, I believe everything is all right. Miss Quinn was just feeling suddenly ill."

"Ah," Alfred said knowingly. "Return of the morning sickness, is it?"

Batman nodded. "It happens."

Joker appeared behind the two, eyeing the surroundings. His head turned in the direction of Harley's retching noises. He crossed his arms.

"What's wrong with her?" he asked, jerking a thumb in the bathroom's direction.

Alfred raised his chin in the air, turned, and exited the room without a word. Joker scoffed and turned to Batman.

"Seriously, what's wrong with Harl? Did she eat fish?" he asked, a chuckle under the tones of his "concern."

"Morning sickness."

Joker turned up his nose and visibly recoiled. "Wait, I thought she was over that!"

Batman shook his head. "It comes back, sometimes."

The Dark Knight turned to leave, then, on a second thought, turned back, "Say, clown, didn't I give the two of you the bedroom with the adjoining bath?"

"Yeah…" Joker drawled. "Why?"

Batman shrugged. "Oh, it's just that I can't even begin to _imagine_ how difficult it will be to sleep with that going on next door."

Joker's permanent grin seemed to disappear as another retching sound filled the air.

"She's awful loud, isn't she? Good night, Joker."

…………………**.**

Joker stumbled into the kitchen the next morning, red-eyed and his green hair formed into the perfect image of a rat's nest. He groaned as he downed a hot cup of coffee in a single gulp and held the cup out for more. Batman chuckled darkly.

"Poor Harley was up all night sick, I suppose?" he asked.

Joker growled over the steam of his cup of joe. With another groan, he downed that cup and asked for yet another. Alfred kept them coming.

The doors to the kitchen swung open, and Harley walked in, grinning a bit sheepishly.

"Are you feeling okay this morning, Miss Quinn?" the female cop assigned to this special "task force" asked.

She nodded slowly. "A little. Just a little uneasy though. May I just have some toast this morning?"

Alfred nodded, popping a piece of white bread into the toaster. Harley took a hesitant seat down beside Joker, who narrowed his eyes at her in lieu of a greeting. She smiled at him, shrugging.

"Sorry, puddin'," she said. "I tried to keep it down."

"You don't have to apologize for anything," the policewoman said.

"Thank you, Officer…?" Harley paused, cocking her head to the side to read the woman's nametag. "Morgan. Thank you, Officer Morgan, but I was rather loud. I kept my poor puddin' up all night!"

Joker stuck his tongue out at Batman and Morgan before smiling benevolently and pitifully at Harley once she had turned her attention to him.

"But, I don't suppose he spent all night over a toilet, did he? I bet he spent it in the nice, comfortable bed, didn't he?" Batman said, hiding his mischievous grin behind his own cup of coffee. "Did he even offer to hold your hair back for you?"

Joker shot the Bat a death glare. However, Harley had one of her own for him.

"No, come to think of it, he didn't! How inconsiderate!" she said, huffing and taking the saucer of toast that Alfred offered her. "_I'm_ going to get a head start on a little project I've had in mind. If anyone, except a certain _Clown_ should need me…I'll be in our room upstairs."

And with that, she exited the kitchen, leaving Joker wide eyed. As soon as her blonde pigtails had cleared the exit, he turned to the officer and the vigilante across from him.

"You did that on purpose!" he hissed.

"Well, of course I did, clown," Batman said, standing.

"I wonder what project she was talking about?" Officer Morgan murmured to herself.

Joker huffed indignantly. "Oh, we'll probably know soon enough. Harl has the attention span of a goldfish!"

However, when several hours had passed, and the only evidence to Harley's presence in the manor was the occasional shout of a foul word, the group of officers, the Joker, and Batman began to wonder.

"What in blinkin' blue blazes is that girl doing up there?" Joker asked, peering up the staircase.

"You could just go ask her," Batman pointed out.

"Or you could…last we knew, she was angry with _me_. And I wonder whose fault that was?"

Batman sighed. "Fine. Let's both go find out."

The Bat and the Clown ascended the staircase, stopping just outside the jaded duo's temporary abode. Just as another expletive exploded through the door. With a glance at one another, Batman lightly rapped on the door.

"Who is it?" Harley singsong-ed brightly through the door.

"We were wondering what all the cursing was about, Harley," Batman explained.

"Oh!" Harley said. "Come in, and I'll show you!"

Joker actually looked frightened as Batman twisted the doorknob and pushed.

"My G—what is all this?" he asked, looking around.

Part of the bedroom was covering in scraps of differently colored straps of cloth that one could tell used to be part of some types of clothing. The other part…looked as if someone had merged every outfit they had ever owned, then divided it up into several, oversized outfits.

"What the hell is this?" Joker said, picking up a particularly hideous…dress made from, what appeared to be, a merging of an old 70s outfit and a jester's costume.

"Well," Harley said, grinning proudly, "I thought I'd get a jump start on my maternity clothes. This way, I don't have to worry about shopping for some, and I can really express myself while I'm pregnant. I can be me, and still be a mommy-to-be. What do you think of them?"

Batman recognized the wide, doe eyes Harley shot at them. He also recognized the cold glint in the Joker's eyes. He seized the clown's collar just before he was about to speak, causing him to literally choke on his words.

"They're…wonderful, Harley. Really," Batman said, giving the Joker a sidelong, and very meaningful, glare.

"Really, really? What do you think, puddin'?" she asked.

Joker threw his eyes skyward before grinning back her.

"…Ditto, kid," he said.

Harley squealed in delight and threw herself into Joker's arms. Batman sighed and made a mental note to self.

Potentially Explosive Situation One: Averted.

* * *

End Notes: Okay, so, how was that? There was a little Dexter joke in here, coming from the popular Showtime show. Now, a little note here, I merged what was going to be chapter eight into this one. That cuts down this fic from twenty-two chapters to twenty-one. Well, please review, and if you haven't voted already, please do so! Your last chance will be chapter nineteen!


	8. Oh, What a Cute

A/N- Okay, so we all know my standard apologies…they apply here as well. But, I've only one update left on a story I'm trying to finish…then I plan to post its sequel's prologue, and then guess what? I'm going to work continuously on this story and one other to finish them! Well, please enjoy!

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Chapter 8- Oh, What a Cute…

Three and a half months in, and Harley was in her horrendous maternity clothes. This, in turn, made every day a potentially explosive situation. Joker seemed determined to let Harley know how he _really_ felt about the ugly clothing…but Batman was just as equally determined to save the jester woman's feelings. It was a dangerous little game…and it even had unofficial rules.

It was early in the morning, sunlight just beginning to leak through the little window in the kitchen, when Batman emerged into the room. He sat across the table from Joker, Harley, and the three police officers that had been watching over the two asylum inmates while he had been out of the room. Alfred approached him and offered him a cup of coffee, which he declined with a small wave of his hand. Joker looked at the Dark Knight, a mischievous look gleaming in his eye. He opened his mouth and decided to act upon Rule Number One: Do not even begin to mention the clothes until Batman is in the room.

"Harl, about that top today, I—" Joker began, while Harley stared at him with an adoring smile.

"I thought we might go out today and let you stretch your legs a bit, Harley. Fresh air will be good for the baby," Batman said swiftly, thanking God that Harley's attention span was often that of a goldfish's.

"Yay!" she said, clapping her hands and standing. "I'll go and refresh my make-up."

In the farthest recesses of Batman's mind, he groaned to think that she meant the white and black paint. In the present, he turned as Joker sneered at him. Thankfully, after a rather rough confrontation with the Dark Knight back when this game had first started, Joker had made up Rule Number Two: Never try it more than once in a day. With a sigh, the Clown Prince of Crime stood.

"I guess I had better freshen myself up as well. Pray tell, Batsy, where would our destination be?" he asked, as the three officers around him stood as well.

"Just around town. Harley is a rather active person, and her continuing to be active might promote a healthy pregnancy…so long as she doesn't do anything too strenuous. I thought maybe a walk downtown would do her some good."

"Oh, _goody_," Joker muttered as he and his "entourage" exited the kitchen.

Twenty minutes later, Batman and Harley, with her rather large purse around her shoulder, stood at the foot Wayne Manor's main staircase, awaiting the Joker's arrival. With a soft growl, Batman turned to Harley.

"If he doesn't hurry, _I'll_ make-up his face."

Harley shook her head and sighed. "Puddin's always been like this. He really cares about his looks."

"Ready!" Joker singsong-ed suddenly from the staircase, sliding down the last few feet of banister.

He landed perfectly on his feet with his arms held up in a triumphant "Y." Batman shook his head as the officers followed right behind, walking instead of sliding, and turned away. Joker visibly deflated as only Harley clapped for him.

"Party pooper," Joker muttered.

"Let's go."

Again, Joker rode in the Batmobile with the Dark Knight, while Harley was in the police van with the officers. Batman held constantly to the idea that it might be best for all if the two were kept as separate as possible. The destination was the outskirts of downtown Gotham. From there, the group would park their vehicles and walk to the center and back. Batman, of course, would be right on the Joker's back, careful to make sure that he got no wicked ideas in his head. No one was too worried about Harley. She took the safety of her child pretty seriously, so running from cops did not even enter her mind nowadays.

By the time they had parked and unloaded everyone, the sun was shining brightly down through the few trees that decorated this nicer portion of Gotham. Harley skipped happily along while Joker sulked and hung back, staring almost longingly at the jewelry stores and joke shops they passed.

"Don't even think about it, Clown," Batman menaced.

Joker scoffed and continued to sulk. The group walked on in silence a bit farther, until a musical sound filled the air. Harley passed, looking for the sound the way a puppy might. Then, she sniffed the air lightly, finally taking a deep whiff.

"Puddin'! It smells like a carnival!" she squealed joyously.

She bounded ahead of the group, causing the cops to step up their pace after her. Joker turned and eyed Batman, whose gloved hand instantly shot out and caught the sleeve of Joker's purple jacket. The two of them walked calmly after the cops and Harley.

They emerged right into the heart of downtown Gotham, where it appeared that something between a carnival and a sidewalk sale was going on. Music blared from all around them the smell of different vendors' food wafted by them in the air, the lovely smell of deep fried sweets. Batman scanned the moderately large crowd of Gothamites and sighted Harley and the police officers that had followed her near the source of some of the mixing music around them. Still holding tightly to Joker, the two made their way through to them.

They came to a stop right beside Harley, who was smiling and clapping happily at the single performer before them. The performer was dressed in white and dark green…looking very much like a German folk dancer playing a bright red and black accordion. Around him danced a small monkey, hanging from the instrument, holding a hat out for kind donations by the crowd, and sometimes even playing a few notes. At the end of the current sound, the surrounding audience clapped, with Harley clapping the loudest of all.

"Harley, you shouldn't run off like that," Batman chastised.

She pouted and pointed at the monkey now holding the hat before them. Batman rolled his eyes and plopped a coin in the black hat. The monkey chattered and returned to its owner as the Folk Dancer began another song.

"Let's move on, shall we? We should head back to the mansion soon."

Harley nodded and followed after them. It was a large crowd, and Batman suddenly found himself worried that Harley would slip away from him again. He turned and ordered Gotham's Finest to keep as close to her as humanly possible. They nodded, and Batman watched as soon the whole group fell away from his sight. Joker laughed.

"It's a shame my Harley girl has no mind for escape…this crowd would be the perfect opportunity," the Clown said with a couple of devious chuckles.

Batman decided not to answer, pushing himself and his purple-clad prisoner to the appointed meeting place that had been agreed upon before departing Wayne Manor—a little Italian deli that was as close to the center of downtown Gotham as they could get and still have a landmark. They found themselves waiting for a few minutes, Joker eventually becoming bored enough to start doing things to scare the passing masses. He'd whistle at random people, who would turn and, upon seeing who it was, flee in fear. He even tripped one poor soul, causing the young man to spill his ice cream cone all down his front. Finally, Batman grabbed the Harlequin of Hate up by his collar and lifted him so that they were face-to-face and only inches apart.

"Stop. It."

"Fine, fine, fine," Joker sighed as Batman placed him back on his feet.

They were finally joined a few moments later by Harley and the police officers. Harley was holding tightly to her large purse. Batman raised a brow but said nothing; he simply indicated that they head back to their vehicles, and thus to the mansion.

…………………

As soon as they had reached Wayne Mansion, Harley had dashed upstairs and locked herself in her and the Joker's room. Joker had groaned.

"I hope she isn't making some more of those God-awful clothes!"

"Like you're one to talk," Officer Morgan said, shaking her head as she walked by a very offended clown.

"I'm sure she's not…after all, she had a great volume of them already," Batman said, releasing Joker only after everyone was securely inside the manor. "She'll probably be back down in a little while."

But it was not until dinner when Harley finally emerged. And the group surrounding the spacious dining table was quite surprised by her presence. Her face make-up was visibly smudged and her blonde pigtails were frizzed and falling. Not to mention that the right sleeve of her maternity blouse was torn at the seam. Even Joker was looking concerned.

"Um…what's up, Harl?" he asked as Alfred set his dinner plate in front of him.

"Huh?" Harley asked as if she were confused. "What do you mean?"

"You look rather…distressed," Batman said, leaning forward. "Did something happen?"

Harley blinked at him. Then, she smiled brightly and shook her head.

"I have no idea what you two are talking about! Now, let's eat, I'm starved! I am eating for two, you know."

Dinner was a silent affair, and all attention was upon Harley, who was—very noticeably—sneaking her vegetables into a napkin in her lap. What she wasn't sneaking, she was plowing through like there was no tomorrow.

"Slow down, Harley. You're going to make yourself hurl again," Joker said.

"Oh, sorry, Puddin'…well, I'm done," she said, standing and sweeping the now folded napkin of vegetables around behind her back. All the onlookers blinked up at her. "I'm…heading to bed. Night!"

She took off. Everyone exchanged looks with everyone else…then followed. Harley had moved fast, for there was no sign of her as the group rounded the corner and mounted the stairs. In fact, they did not even hear her until they neared the closed door of the bedroom that she and the Joker shared. Then, it was only Batman and Joker that walked forward, stopping to listen to Harley—who was very clearly talking to someone—beyond the door.

"Ow, stop that, dear! No, no, no! Mommy's hair is not for playing. Let go!" she said.

Without even knocking, both the Bat and the Clown pushed open the door. With a gasp, Harley—who was bent into an upside-down L shape—turned to face them. Hanging from one of her pigtails…was a monkey. And not just any monkey, Batman noticed, but the monkey that had belonged to the Folk Dancer. Joker shook his head.

"Oh, _Harl_. Why?" he asked.

"Well," she giggled nervously. "I just saw how…human-like the monkey was and I thought, 'Hey! I can practice being a mother with a monkey!' You know…to see if I'd be any good…but I don't think the monkey likes me."

"Harley…monkeys are no substitute for actual children," Batman said gently, taking a slow step forward.

"Whew," Harley sighed. "I was getting worried that I sucked badly! Now, could you kindly get this thing off of me?"

Now there was a little bit of panic edging into her voice, and the Joker was beginning to chuckle at her. Batman walked forward, and, with some gentle coaxing, was able to get the monkey to crawl onto his shoulder. Harley straightened herself and smiled sheepishly.

"I was going to name the monkey Herbert," she said softly.

Joker snorted. "Herbert? What kind of name is that?"

Harley rounded on him, fury in her eyes, and shouted, "Don't make fun of your son's name!"

Joker blinked, shocked momentarily, before replying, "That monkey is no son of mine, Harl!"

Batman sighed as Harley stomped and put her back to Joker, crossing her arms. The Dark Knight stepped into the hallway and paused. Outside, the cops were engaging in what looked like a game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors." He raised a brow, and one of the male cops shrugged.

"We knew one of us was going to get to take the monkey back…whoever lost got the job," he explained.

Batman shoved the monkey into his hands. "Just take it to its owner."

* * *

End Notes: Okay, so I hope that was funny. Also, I'd like to say that although I do have a later chapter of this fic that is inspired by an episode of "Friends," this chapter was not. Actually, this chapter was inspired by the very last episode of "Frasier," in which Arleen Sorkin—voice of Harley Quinn—guest stared…and owned a pet monkey. Well, please review! And don't forget to vote if you haven't!


	9. Do My Ankles Look Fat?

A/N- Thanks for all the great reviews! I'm glad to see so many readers come back after such a long time between updates. Also, I'd like to note that I'm going to have to start jumping ahead a bit in months in order for this story not to drag. I'm experimenting with a way to do this that's very simple, let me know what you think. Well, onward, and I hope you enjoy this one.

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Chapter 9- Do My Ankles Look Fat?

**Five Months…**

"I'm hot," Harley complained, lying back on the extra long sofa in the middle of the large living room.

She stretched her legs across the Joker's, who sighed with disgust. He scoffed and pushed at her ankles, causing her legs to fall to the floor with a _thunk_. Harley blinked, growling softly under her breath. After at least ten minutes of maneuvering, she managed to sit herself upright on the sofa once more. She huffed and sighed, trying to regain her breath, before turning and punching him on the arm.

"Ow!" he squealed, turning to return the favor.

Before he could even launch the move, a black-gloved hand grabbed his fist and held it tightly in place. Joker bent his head backwards and gazed up at a glowering Batman. The Dark Knight tightened his grip and the Clown yelped in pain.

"Still thinking about punching back, Clown?" he asked.

Joker shook his head like a five year old being scolded might. And the "no" that followed did nothing but back up that image. Batman let go of his fist, and Joker shook it and held it close. He looked over at Harley and put on his best puppy-dog eyes.

"Harl…" he drew out. "He hurt me!"

She blew an exasperated sigh out through her partially open lips, sending a small spray of spittle onto her puddin'. She put her hands down on the sofa, bracing herself, and, with minimal effort, shoved herself to her feet.

"I don't care. You deserved it!" she snapped, much to the Joker's surprise. She then added, gazing down at her feet, "Are my ankles getting fat? And my feet? They _look_ swollen. What do you think, Bats?"

Batman blinked as Harley looked innocently up at him. The white make-up was beginning to melt away around the edges of her face, and it was apparently too hot for her to even consider her jester's hat. Instead, her blonde hair was pulled up, sloppily, and bunched at the very crown of her head. The outfit she had pulled from her homemade outfit collection was easily the best looking of the set…simply a jester-patterned red and black dress. Her stomach was extending, slowly, to cover the view of her feet; however, it had not quite done so yet.

"Is there any answer that is a good one?" he asked.

She scoffed and made no move to reply. Instead, she turned her attention to her currently ungloved hands, holding them flat out, palm down in front of her.

"Are my hands getting bigger?" she asked, a small whine in her voice.

Joker and Batman exchanged looks while Harley's eyes were elsewhere distracted, surveying other parts of her body for possible swelling. Joker quickly shook his head, silently pleading with the Dark Knight to not say anything. Of course, Batman had no intention of saying anything of the sort. He was not, after all, stupid.

When the subtle sound of shoes on carpet came to the groups ears, the three of them looked up to see Alfred, followed by the auburn-haired Officer Morgan, arrive in the living room. Alfred set before them all a silver tray laden with a teapot and several cups, all surrounded with several arrays of cookies.

"I thought you all might enjoy a snack," he said.

"Thank you, Mr. Pennyworth," Batman said.

"Very good," Alfred replied, turning on heel and departing the room.

Meanwhile, Morgan had moved to stand directly in front of Harley, who was looking quite upset by now. Morgan placed a sympathetic hand on the pregnant woman's shoulder.

"What's wrong, Miss Quinn?" the officer inquired.

Harley sniffled. "I'm…I'm fat and disgusting."

Batman's, Joker's, and Morgan's eyes widened as Harley's tears suddenly flowed freely. Morgan instantly stepped forward and hugged her.

"Oh, that's not true at all! You're beautiful and glowing with life, Harley!" she said into her shoulder. Then, turning on the two men in the room, she added, "Isn't she, guys?"

Batman responded instantly and positively with, "Yes, glowing." However, both Morgan and the Dark Knight looked down at Joker, who was always the snag in the plan. He stared between the two, both of whom looked as if they might do him grievous bodily harm if he upset Harley further. With a defeated sigh, Joker affirmed what the two before him had said.

It was at this that Harley looked up, staring shyly at the clown over Morgan's shoulder.

"Really, puddin'? You think I'm glowing?" she asked.

Again, Morgan and Batman glared. Joker nodded.

"Of course, Pooh. You're beautiful!" he said, with as much mock sincerity as he could muster.

Harley let loose with a squeal of delight and bounded onto his lap, which garnered an "oomph" from him. Batman shook his head, and Morgan sighed.

"Whatever," the officer said, turning to the Dark Knight. "Want me to start getting everything ready?"

"Yes."

Harley and Joker looked up at him quizzically. "Ready for what?"

"Your doctor's appointment. You've another one, remember?"

Harley snapped her fingers. "Oh, yeah! Doctor Clownson did schedule one for me. I'll go get cleaned up."

Joker stood, rubbing out the wrinkles in his purple suit—which was, of course, devoid of all its usual gimmicks. "Well, I suppose I should as well."

However, as he tried to make his way around his nemesis, Batman grabbed him by the shoulder and shoved him back down onto the sofa. Joker growled, glaring up at him.

"What was the meaning of that?" he asked incredulously.

Batman shook his head. "You're ready enough. We don't have the time to wait for you and your vanity to be happy with your appearance."

Joker grumbled and pulled his jacket straight, crossing his arms and his legs in a most cartoon-like stance of indignation. Batman shook his head. Whatever kept him quiet was fine with him.

…………………

Again, Batman and Joker found themselves in the waiting room. Batman was busy keeping a keen eye on the Clown Prince, while Joker was busying himself with a parenting magazine. Every so often, he would scoff and mutter something like, "That's no way to make the kid learn!"

Batman didn't ask what the suggested punishment was…nor did he ask what Joker would do in its stead. He was already positive that he didn't want to know. After a few moments of the dead silence between the two, and the terrified stares from the other occupants of the waiting room, Dr. Clownson stuck her head outside the examination room door. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a ponytail and she was just placing a pair of non-prescription reading glasses into her white coat's pocket.

"We're ready for you both," she said.

Batman and Joker both stood, and, just as they were entering the room, they could hear the very audible sigh of relief from the people left behind them. As soon as the door closed, Joker grinned wickedly back in the room's direction, as if planning some grand prank.

"Don't even think about it," Batman said, wondering just how often he was going to have to say that during these nine months.

Harley was sitting, completely dressed and upright, on a standard examination table. She smiled and gave a tiny wave at the two of them. Doctor Clownson moved so that Joker and Batman could stand on either side of Harley. The doctor pulled a blue folder up and began lightly leafing through its contents.

"Well, I'm most happy to report that all is well with both the mother and the child," she said.

Harley let out a huge sigh of relief, and Clownson eyed her.

"Why so surprised, Miss Quinn?"

Harley shrugged. "I don't know. With all those tests—urine, blood, so on—I was just worried, I guess."

Clownson smiled. "Sadly dear, that's just the routine situation. You'll do that every time you come by and see me."

Harley turned her nose up in disgust. "Wonderful."

Clownson shook her head, chuckling. With a sigh, she was back to business, looking between mother and father.

"Now," she said, holding up the folder to emphasize its presence, "I have here, within this folder, the sex of the child. However, some couples prefer it to be a surprise. Would the two of like you to know the sex of the baby?"

Joker's mouth opened to answer, but Harley cut across him.

"No," the jester woman said quickly.

Joker turned incredulously towards her. "What?"

"I want us to be surprised, puddin'. Let's not know," she explained.

"But I want to!" he said, turning to Clownson.

"Don't tell him!" Harley said, urgently.

Clownson closed the folder. "Sorry, Mr. Joker, doctor-patient confidentially. Ultimately, Harley has the choice."

"Good," Batman said. "If you had told him, he would have just taunted her with it."

"Would not," Joker protested.

All three turned to look at him. He blinked at them.

"Yes, you would," they all said in unison.

Joker crossed his arms and huffed. Batman shook his head.

"Well, you're going to have a fun ride home," Harley said, smiling up at Batman.

The Dark Knight simply sighed.

* * *

End Notes: Okay, I hope this chapter was at least a little funny. Well, you all know the drill by now. Read, review, vote for the sex of the baby, if you haven't already. See you next chapter!


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